I remembered saying that i suffer the quirk of shifting from extreme to extreme periodically --- and i still suffer from that. getting a lvl 80 diablo2 char from scratch within one week is certainly no mean feat ---- especially if u consider the goreriders and arreats and raven frosts and trang armors and perf dwarfstars and near perf SOEs and etc. And yet when time presents itself right now on a lazy sunday afternoon ---- here i am, blogging. I suddenly feel like completing the book i left a hundred pages off months back,. because i wasnt in the mood to. I hope i'd still be able to pick up the javascript book tomorrow at work. I bet next week i'd suddenly feel all guilty for not keeping in touch with him or her again. I wonder if i'd actually bring the dumbell to work ; if CAI's gonna be the same again without my upperstudy there. If change's ever gonna come.

Well i am blogging at a lower frequency right now. and thats a change, if nothing else.

And even if the only constant is change ; some constants live on long enough, for me at least. Like the fact that i still avert it. How ironic that I heave a sigh when i realise some other thing is never gonna be the same again ; that my greatest fear is having some things i hold dearest to me, change ------ while my deepest regret stems from the fact that i didnt quite change in time for certain decisions.


It's a pity that repetition doesnt quite always work ---- because this is the upteempth time ive said that i suppose change is inevitable ---- but i guess my skull's too thick for repetition. But it is ---- not because things arent good the way they are right now ; but because everyone's around u bound to change --- and thats a fact beyond anyone's sphere of influence. And by then it doesnt quite matter if u've remained the same or not anymore ---- because the Path deviates; the Tracks differ; and Backtracking isnt quite an option at all.

And it's this fact that Holding On isnt entirely the consequence of ur own choice at all ---- thats really the most painful, sometimes ; most times.

I've always heard it in different forms --- be it in varied phrases, body language, or attitudes ---- but i seem to always give pple the feeling that im blissfully devoid of problems --- and that im living life airy-fairily with nothing in mind except for the next pigging out session at choc bars or kool retaurants (which, coming to think of it, doesnt seem entirely false either.). And not that im trying hard to ; nor that im wanting it to be this way. If its because i msile/laugh too much, then perhaps its time i started telling pple that this is my way of training my abs. And if its because i add too much "!!" and ":)" while typing, then mebbe its time too, to remind pple that smiles dun necessarily equate sweetness, and tears dun necessarily equate bitterness.

Im tired of being branded "nice" --- simply because nice is such a generic word. And of course because i use "nice" to describe the pple i dun quite get along with as well. And yet i guess thats just the way i am ; And yet theres nothing wrong with being nice, except for the fact that its less of a compliment than most view it to be. So i guess nice would be the way i remain, till the one day i finally change of course ----- after which i'd probably try to be nice in an urge of nostalgia all over again ; and realise that it really isnt a viable option anymore, then.

Ols frens and new frens ---- we cant live without either (*I* cant, at least). But right now, all i'd wish for, is to see the old ones all over again, come december.

The thing about me (that few pple know about), is that i oscillate between ends of various extremes ------- just a week ago i was so packed with outings i didnt even know when would be the next time i went home for dinner ; and now during the weekend, i found it equally enjoyable to stay at home with my beloved beloved games and daoing pple over sms and icq and msn. Minus the guilt of course.

And not to mention how ive started telling everybody that i dun play as much games as i used too. Guess some things never change huh. Even though u think they had, at some point or other. :)

And so here i am, feelin guilty bout how ive promised so many pple to meet up over the weekends ----- via icq, at orchard, over sms ---- and never did actually managed to fulfill any single one of the tasks ive promised myself. Maybe im just making too many promises.


Mebbe self-cheoreography aint a very smart way to live either.


(or mebbe promises are just meant to be broken :p)

And if u were to ask me if i were unhappy now ---- i'd reply with a direct no. Life certainly aint perfect --- as it never will be... so sometimes all it takes to be happy is simply to let go of all those things without ur sphere of influence. Temporarily.

And, coming to think of it ----- u'd never know how grateful(happy) i am to be able to place so much faith in so many of my frens still, 1 yr into the isolatory period of National Slavery.

See you guys when im feeling sociable all over again.

Now, if only i had more than 24 hrs a day.

Amongst the things in life which u cant forsee and predict ----- are invariably those that have the greatest impact on you. Quite an irony --- considering how much i was looking forward to the start of school some 3 yrs back ----- remembered (for one reason or other) the phone call from morris thats fueled me with anticipation --- anticipation that didnt quite last for a good length of time.

And greeted with a whole barrage of memories ---- a kaleidoscope of different perspectives of a full whole real 2 yrs ----- its the first time im torn between crying, laughing, smiling : even feeling. Torn, by the intensity, the frequency, the overwhelming possibilities, and most of all the helplessness of it all. I pretty much just let the waves sweep me past ---- not daring to venture into any direction of my own, because i didnt quite know whcih was the right direction ----- because it seemed then that any direction was a good direction.

And i must admit, it turned out pretty well. It'd be a lie if i'd said that i wouldnt have it any other way --- cos humans will always be blessed with the curse of curiosity --- curiosity of the unknowns and whatifs and mayhavebeens.


And yet, it would have been a lie, not too far from the truth.

Sometimes ---- or perhaps even more often than sometimes ---- i just wished that i was given more time to sort things out. to undo the things that i wanted undone ; to do the things i wanted accomplished. To prove to myself that *inevitability* never did exist as a proper word in my very own incomplete, incomprehensive dictionary.

And yet, turning back time never had been a reality ----- reality's here : dominated currently by ideas like SAF, overseas, boredom, and the freedom and time to do *anything* u want --- but without the opportunity for *any* of them.


It always seems like a stint to everyone else looking at it from beyond ---- yet the 2½-yr-wait while ure within always seems so much harder.

Looking back, and i truly dunno whether to laugh, or to cry.

But i do know : that i came pretty close to both of them.

Havent blogged for a loooong time ------- kinda startin to losing the feel already!! But hey!! theres nothing to blog anwyay!! im doing the same things day in... day out. go to work, go home, the occasional outing, the occasional smiles (and laughter). Over and over, for the next 1½ yrs.

...But that doesnt mean that the subtleties and naunces have disappeared already. Things *do* change --- changing even as i type this now. How ive stopped thinkng bout some stuff ; how ive started picking up others. How it is that i dun even know, if it was a result of purposeful white-outs, or simply the fact taht it truly aint an issue to me anymore ; the fact that : time does heal.

So many things to say over the course of the month, but obviosuly it would be too much of a chore to say them all. So im just gonna ramble on.. and on... and on... so pardon me for my disjointments and whatever else u think i need to be forgiven for.

HX once said taht he manages to say what he truly wanna say in monologue ; but never in dialogue (there ur name appeared in *MY* blog too : happy??). How weird that its pretty much the opposite for me. Mebbe, eventually, there *is* a story (and truth) behind the much-heard phrase "Kai talks too much." Kai wants to leave no stone unturned, i suppose. to say everything that he wants to say ---- to be appropriate and inappropriate ; to be humorous and serious ; to be sociable yet softspoken ---- to be everything : everything of which, he can only be 50% of.

And thats pretty much a lesson hard-learnt ; price highly paid. The lesson that perfectionism aint the way of this world ; that theres bout to be some stones left unturned ; that undulations are in fact much less obstacles, and much more prerequisites. To life.

Was walking round my estate at 4am in the morning (NO i didnt do that purposefully im not that goondoish) some days back ; and i realised : how much i missed the days when those late nights were commonplace. And how much so that ive stopped doing it already, unknowingly.


I remember the days ---- days beyond count ---- when i would just stay, paralysed with fear that things are never gonna stay the same again ; fear that i would look back some day in the near future, and realise with immense regret that some of the things, never will be again.


And sure enough, as prophecised : looking back now, im still filled with the yearning for some things of the past to become the present. And *yet* ---- the one thing i never did forsee : was that the greatest regret, came from the fear ; the paralysation of it all.

And i miss --- i really do ---- the past. chunks and chunks of it. Those that may / never / will / can be. And all i wanna do now is to spend the rest of this time peacefully and purposefully --- till the day taht the past finally catches up with me, again. The day when i'll try --- without qualms -- to revive ; relive ; resurrect. To try and convince myself, that fear is truly an emotion uncalled for.

and if u'd asked me one year back what i'd truly wanted, i could have drawn up a comprehensive list, complete with categories, tables, pie charts, and whatever else a comprehensive wishlist needs.


Ask me now, and im afraid u'd get only vague, generic answers --- and if ure lucky, a shrug.

Funny how the past always seems to entail more for me than the present, or the future.