But i dun quite think we have a say in such stuff, do we?

But i do think, though, that its time i cast aside all doubts, and embrace that which ive once believed in ; that which ive always wanted to believe in. (Though i think embrace is still a very goosebumpy word.)
Because, it would truly be all for naught otherwise, and because, too, that im finally convinced that the world is much more than the few facets ive been having too much of, for the past decade or so.

And it took one year (for two.)

And i dunno how else to put this, but bluntly :

So i guess i had been right on both counts ultimately ; one that u truly do mean a lot after all, and the other that even if things had turned out differently, it wouldnt have been a happy ending, either.

And yes, u do mean a lot to me ----- even if nothing else but by virtue of the single fact taht uve been the sole person cloest to what ive always been wanting --- even though it aint quite truly close enuff yet.

So yes, i do have high standards. And who's stoppping me, considering that im sabotaging no one else but my own... ermmm... well-being?

And having said all that ; it still all boils down to the one single most vital fact : that u'll always mean somethig to me always ----- a something that can be very large indeed.

Ive gotten over my part of the deal ; pls do urs too.

Because : the search resumes.
And i hope i can say that for everything that came to a standstill when u guys left, too.

And it's times like this when u begin to wonder what it takes exactly to make one (myself, namely) happy ; How the happiest moments are always unexpected ones (like bagging next week's 5 million toto first price) ; How u can work, work and work, and still remain as far away from ur destination as before. How little it takes, to lose sight of ur goals.

I tell myself a lot of things. That im handsome is one of them. And to *wait* is another. And frankly, the suspense is killing me already. Ive waited for 4 yrs just to embark on another 2-yr wait. And once that ended im on into another 2.5-yr wait. And the grim reality is begging to materialize ; that i may, after all never finish waiting. Never ever reaching the pedestral ive once --- and still do --- envision myself to end up at.

I guess im just a perfectionist. Yesh, me, who did 1/30 tutorials in my JC life and laughed the E's and D's off my report card. And was perfectly happy sitting on the power boat and being tied to a trolley by rope voluntarily. Simply because some things mean so much more to me than others.
What a pity that those are simply the very same things that seem to be furthest away from my grasp. And drifting even further, even as i write this.

I guess i just think too much ; perferring the glare of crystal clarity to the bewilderment of nonchalence. Mebbe if i had just lived my life as it is ; looking forward to nothing more than that few hrs of fun every night over chats and games ; then the wait would be so muhc more bearable and seemingly so much more shorter. Mebbe if i had, then i wouldnt be me anymore.

I have so much in life ; yet someof which i dont, just happens to be that which matters the most. It doesnt take much to be happy ---- just convincing self-assurances that u cant have everything, everytime. That some things just happen to be out of reach, not by anyone's fault ; not via anyone's doing. That the sky isnt the limit ; and yet it is.

But that too, will have to wait.

If there was *just* one thing i could change, its the way pple see others right now. How, since we've managed to recognise direct implications with ease, start questioning the truth behind them. How it is that the truth matters so much more than its immediate consequences. How it is that a game is a game is a game ; and this one is started by people naturally in unison, and can only be ended by pple in unison.

Impossible.

If i could, i'd change the fact that pple just areent as transparent as they used to be. Because i know that any part of me that isnt ; isnt by default a product of my own conscious choice.

I guess i sure do think too much. But i'd much rather think too much, than second-guess. Or doubt.

Guess i'd still rather let words do the comunication, than allow silence do the talking.

...Thats when u begin to question whether life is simply all a game of oscillation between two extremes ; or Depression simply serves as a better definition to Reality, than Optimism.

Things dont disappear even after uve turned ur back on them. You either discard it with ur own bare hands, or u run. Far, far away.

All i want to say is that sometimes the reason why i complain bout such stuff : is simply because i have nothing else to complain about. I guess.

:)

I enjoy meeting new people. Enjoy the fulfilment and happiness when uve finally heard that almost audible "click" and found that binding common topic ---- when that simple smile or gesture just somehow managed to mean a lot to you ----- when ure simply hjaving fun doing the same mundane things u know u'll continue doing one day later ; one weeks later ; one month later ; and several more "later"s in the near future.

Somehow its just not the same with old friends anymore.

Old not in age ; but amongst its position along the vestiges of time. Old, in that we've known each other for so long ; that we can begin to predict with pinpoint accuracy ; that we begin to expect so much out of each other (or perhaps, simply *i* from him/her) , it eventually and naturally falls short.

Yup, i have high expectations. Been told that more than once as well. Im sure i can fulfil *my* side of the bargain ---- but teenagehood taught me that somehow, somewhat, the other party wont.

And when sometimes i look back and dwadle upon the frenships that had dwindled from a bright spark to a mere smouldering glow --- I would start thinking if i should simply fault myself after all. And no matter what u see and how u judge ----- im eventually not dumb. I can diffrentiate what the diplomatic niceties actually insinuate, from what the superficial insults actually entail. And whenevr i wondered when the insults i do so treasure changed into a pure matter of diplomacy ; whenever i wondered if there truly *was* anything i could do, or have done, to retrieve conversational topics long gone, and revive conversations long diminished ----- that's when i realised : That the entire world doesnt rest upon ur shoulders. Not its burdens, nor its pleasures.

Letting go is hard. Learning how to : even more painfully so. But its this proces of Learning to let go ; trying to let go, and failing to let go, that u finally begin to realise whom it is that truly matters to you most. Not exactly the most expected of outcomes too, i must say.

Yes, new frens are fun. But u have no idea just how much im missing you old frens. You old frens whom ive been stuck under the clock tower for 4 whole years ; u old frens whom ive been stuck vandalising one lousy book with grafitti for 2 yrs ; u u old fren who've managed to give me the LOUSIEST nicks ever ; u old frens who can pass the most degratory insult off with a smile ; u old frens who've managed both cries and smiles ; tears and laughter ; and the heart wrenching feeling whenever anyone of you decides to be un-nice and distance urselves ---- physically ; metaphorically. u old frens whom i'll never admit im missin.

U old frens whom i'll never let go. (unless u do first.)