It really isnt an issue of *worthwhile* anymore, but perhaps the denial that something built so painstakingly from scratch for 2 whole years can crumble so easily, and more.
We're simply too different ; a vast spectrum of personalities brought together by a quirk and searching for our different identities. And coming to different conclusions. Different ideals, but always the same idealism. And its this common perfectionistic streak in us that would both bind and break us. How we refuse to let things slip by past us without a fight ; and yet how we'd maintain our stand ; no matter how destructive and contradictory it becomes sometimes ; and forever refuse to budge.

And I, just like so many of you guys (im sure) who've asked urself the same question over worth before : would like to believe that there are some things in the world which value cant be measured by worth anymore.

And with every disappointment gleaned ; with every wrath incurred and every quarrel appeased ------ those are ironically the very things that add to the pool of common experiences now and serve to bind us. Or break us.

How truly ironic that im building my faith upon such discord. But i truly hope that we'll stay together as a bunch, every second of the day (Fine, i admit it's a little less frequent than that). And even though i'd always say that i'd give up ; and even though i truly mean it everytime i say it ------- i guess it takes more an that little bit of disappointment, for ruin.

And if this is truly blind, foolish faith, then may i never find the need to open my eyes, ever.

The thing bout me ; the entire crux to all my unhappiness ------ actually simply lies with the fact that theres simply no place, nook or cranny to place my faith in, right now.

And so i clasp it all in both my bare hands.
And im so afraid that once i start pouring it all out, it'll never stop.

And NS is truly a period of limbo ---- where u can think all u want ; and u can make as many decisions as you want ---- and at the end of the 2.5 years, it'll still amount to naught.

And so here i am, at this crossroads of limbo, stuck entirely between forgoing the best 6 yrs of my life, or forsaking the other 12 formative years of it.

Izzit the day the first speck of disturbance appears --- the very same trickle thats destined to snowball into a haemorragging disruption that serves to end it all?

Or izzit the day when Change finally fails to be inconspicuous, and decides to show itself in true, plain sight.

Or maybe the day when we realise the anchorage's gone, and start to fear for the outcome of something we've always thought was inset ; ingrained ; inlaid.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, the day when we finally look back, and start wondering with absolute surprise and bewilderment : Why arent things the way it used to be?

Hope begets disappointment ; Doubt begets none less.
But what hurts most, would be slipping into the mundane grayness of oblivious cynicism.

And im quite quite bothered by the realisation lately that honesty has never quite been one of the main features of my blog, isnt it? I mean, im not that cynical in *anywhere* else in my life, and so i dunno why i'd have a reason to be as a blogger. If they always say that u can read into someone thru their blog, then i suppose mine can be a counterexample ever further from the truth.

Writing's truly an art ; a skill of molding different words to required specifications. And as an amateur potter can do naught much but shape a crude bowl for his own usage ; so can i do naught but write words for my own reading. And i -do not- like that at all. i'll surf around everyday ; trying hard to grasp bits of flair and flamboyance ; but something in me knows that i can never be half as good as the pple i admire in writing ; that im much betetr suited handling numbers and finding out the exact time, right down to the millisecond, a ball would reach the ground when free falling in an unequal gravitational field.
That im sadly nothing more than that geeky engineer by ur block aptitute-wise, hoping to prove otherwise.

Words lie. And i guess thats what makes the truth so much more covetable. And eventually, the apparent depression over here is just, i suppose, a facade. A superficial, self-defensive way of telling pple that "this isnt me!" ; and an excuse to type all that i wanted to type, regardless of blatant honesty or careful diplomacy ; and eventually still pry myself off the unrelentless judgements of pple by saying : "this isnt me!".

But nooooo it actually is. Not the entire mosaic of ideas, but instead merely the naunces within. Always the naunces ; and nothing but the naunces. Because i guess im just incapable of carving out the bigger picture. Nor am i quite so sure i'd want to do that ; even for myself.

Its sad ; but also otherwise sadly self-denial if i dun admit that i suffer the same insecurities as everyone else. Which is why i love the world of blogging, because everytime u're feeling oh-so-down bout something but ure not in the mood to write u'd just surf around until someone has already blogged what uve always wanted to say and u can start revcelling in the satisfaction taht uve made someone do all the talking/typing/saying. Hah. Satisfaction guaranteed. And even if this is self-delusional to the very max ---- hey who doesnt ever lie to themselves?

I think this is one of those days im just tired. Tired of being the Kai i always was for 20 whole years. Tired of reacting in a perfectly logical and expected way ; never succumbing to bits of taciturniness/taciturnity/watever-word-u-wanna-insert-here. Tired of providing myself with that anchorage in this at-times poor, convoluted world. And lastly, tired of doing more of the things i dont wanna do ; as compared to those i truly do.

And sometimes i wonder : what i'd truly do if u gave me a week out of limbo --- true, free time without any restrictions at all.

And i guess we'll never find out, would we?

Yups, we'll spend an entirety of our breaths and heartbeats searching for answers always sought, but never found. Scary, aint it?

And if u asked me where my previous values of just having fun went ; when it was that i tried to justify my actions and soothe my guilt with that much more seriousness ; whether it was worth its while ; or even since when ive adopted the words i do now ------ i really cant quite tell. Not even a notch of it.

So yes, we change. I did, no matter you guys see it or not. But we change not because its tiresome anchoring to the past ; nor do we change because we hate it. But we simply do to try out new values for ourselves ; to find out, thru experience, answers that never were found, but nevertheless always sought after.

And the saddest thing is : that whenever we meet up with a dead end : there's no other way, but back.

Wanted to blog bout it all. To, for once, be entirely honest with myself.
And then i realise : that no matter what torrents is poured into this page ; what tears have dried over this post ---- it really aint gonna change anything, at all.

I respect ur decision ; i really do. And all i ask for, is for things to be exactly as it once was, before. For a frenship without room for second-guessing, but a faith that it will continue, no matter what.

And as people rush on to maturity, im reduced to a helpless gaping bystander ; catching occasional glimpses of familiar faces within the torrents of people. With the inevitable knowledge that some familiar faces would be unfamiliar, very soon.

Yes, im sentimen---- no thats not it. I look back far too much. Too engrossed in the past that i fail to see the unending possibilities of the future. Because what i want --- what ive sought --- all along, is simply that sturdy foothold taht'd never give way, no matter how much weight u put on it.
And I've always known that the beauty of life lies in its unpredictabilites. What i wasnt told, was how it's devoid of predictables.

I dun quite know anymore how much u meant it when u said that : i meant a lot to you (in a platonic way.). But im sure u do know that : u mean a lot more to me. Evenm without me saying it.

And yes, i *am* moving on. The only thing is : im not done with moving on, as yet.

And tomorrow will come and i'll don the same smile as usual ; bear the same emptiness as usual ; and resume the same wait, as usual.

And prayt that this will be the last Wait, of them all.

It's always times like this when ure struck with a bout of flu, when ure forced to stand back and appraise : what has been done ; and what hasnt, over the past months (Weeks for me actually, considering the last time i took mc was weeks ago HAHA.) And the realisation that perceptions do change ; followed by that ever popular tinge of regret, ensues.
I wonder since when did restrictions overtake that larger proportion upon outlooks, than opportunity once did.

But restrictions it is. Because time is not merely the only restriction Slavery imposes on us. And everytime i try my hand at something i really wanna do ---- there just isnt an avenue to do so. Stuck, as robots for 2-half yrs ; sought after for nothing more than work, work and more work. Surviving on that meagre sum of allowance. No leeway for mistakes ; no room for progress ; no capacity for freedom. Just a seemingly endless wait for yet another 2-half yrs to pass by. And nothing else to look back upon, except for perhaps the few good frens iuve made in the years ; and perhaps the consolation that this would be the only full reprisal i'd get from hectic society, in decades to come.

But for the the things im able to take easy (like prelims results and unsalvagable ECA scores) : the one thing i truly cannot stand, is sitting by doing nothing but observing the passage of time. Looking at how others around me change ; how they are shaped by drastic experiences and intense possibilities ; how they are living their lives ; and how im merely seeking a life to live.

And im supposed to have it betetr than a horde of them.

Granted, yesh it *is* good. The fact that i can type this on a monday afternoon says that it *is* good. The fact that i can even begin to grasp upon non-superficialities like freedom during this period of time says that it *is* good. The fact that i can call some of the pple stuck together with me frens shows that it *is* good. But for all its goodness ; all that isnt, still cant be denyed to it, eventually.

New Year ended off more a whimper than i had envisioned it to be. Things that were stale remained stale. Things that once was, remained as it is. Things that were once fresh, by the very nature of things, are slowly joining ranks with its fellow stale-mates. Yes, i admit. Im someone easily bored. More than what most of u think of me to be. If contentment truly was my forte ; u'd see me a very happy man right now. If stability truly was to my liking, u'd see me signing an 8-yr bond to goodness-know-which-blind-company, or at least trying to. Or perhaps u'd see me signing on as an overpaid employee who trains in the Realm of Warcraft3. But hey, ive my reason for not doing so, ya know?

It doesnt take much to make me happy. And yet again, it takes nothing more than a day of inanity to reel me back to ---- pardon myself for uttering the word i so hate --- sianness. And thus the infinitesmal impossibly of happily ever after. Not that i believe in that in the first place.

Sometimes i observe the people around me, and read the blogs of the people i cant observe ---- and i realise the subtle but sure ways how having one to share ur happiness/woes changes you. How u tend to adopt a more optimistic outlook ; and how u tend to pay less attention to ur own needs. And how im truly happy for those of you right now.
And when i look back ; wondering if things could have been different in a better way ----- i realised that 2 (or 3) years is really fair enough time to learn what i ought to have learnt. Yes, i am bitter. But for nothing more than the deprivation of an opportunity to put what i have learnt to use. And of course, the ever-ensuing fear that what ive learnt may not be enough after all, eventually. And how better to find out, than to try it out in our ol' trusty trraditional way?

The sands of time runs. A part of me hopes to stay in temporal stasis ; in the hopes to enjoy all there is to enjoy in life right now ; in the knowledge that this period of life is never gonna repeat itself for decades to come ; in the fear that i'd look back one day and realise how much i'd want to turn back the hands of time : just like how i always did.
And yet, another part prays for a quick leap into 2005 ; for the sliver of hope for all my expectations of a better tomorrow.
Two conflicting sides. One battle. And no matter which side wins :
The sands of time runs.

And for all the efforts to consistently strive to be a better person, heres an impromptu, overdue list of New Year Resolutions.

1.To put more faith in some of my frens ; and more effort in others.
2. To pick up drumming (crash course with me, anyone?)
3. To learn driving (my mind is *still* set on auto heh)
4. To buy enough clothes to rid me of a headache whenever i go out
5. To organise my mp3files and get my hands on every single one of the songs ive always wanted to download since J1 (or most of them at least.)
6. To continue blogging.
7. To retain hope
8. And to follow thru these Resolutions, for one month at least.

And what a long time it is indeed. Gone were the days when nothing mattered more than the temporary reprisal from the mundanities of life. The days when u just had so much to do ; so much to sort out ; and so less time to do so. The days when u had so much to blog about ; so much depression to bitch about. The days which u know full well would never return ; no matter how much u prayed ; how hard u tried.

Indeed, Life far often goes on a one-way track than two, huh. Far too often.


And as we get used to the unpredictable yet undeniable Wheels of Change ; contend with the all-too cumbersome ideas of Letting Go and Moving On ----- We'll look back some day and start thinking if all our efforts actually made a difference at all. If things would have been certainly acutely different, if we had held on less and given in more. If we should have just setlled into contentment and let everything slip into oblivion, and beyond.

I'd still want to believe ; believe in all my beliefs for the past 19 yrs ; believe that Choice is ultimately not a placebo --- not an insignificant illusion in the determination of things ; of path ; of life. Believe that i'd still have faith in such things, down the decade, or more.

All i'd want, ultimately, is for things to remain the same. For people to continue talking ; for the topics to keep on rolling ; months after the last common memory. For faith in something that wouldnt denudate in the face of something as superficial as Time ; Distance ; or worse still, Vanity. For you to treat me the same way as before ; no matter what transpired, or what didnt. For us to start off, the very same way we left.

For something entirely impossible. Both in the face of optimism, or realism.

I've never actually made an effort to collate photos of those whom ive once considered fren. Nor did i even set up an effective blog archive before. And everything there ever is to remind me of the past is stuffed into this miserable little PS2 box, predictably never to be opened ever again by Yours Truly.


Because ive always believed that whats urs will always be yours. Thats whats lost, need not be reminded. That even without the wrench of Nostalgia overdose ----- im already looking back far more than i should.

Ive always envisioned myself looking back at all these years on ; laughing it off as adolescence or a bad case of Writers-wannabe.


Yet, i've never done that. Because the future simply doesnt trun out the way we want/envision it to be. Because we'll never know if we'll wake up tomorrow finding the girl(guy) of our dreams ; or if we'll fall into a manhole and be paralysed for life, in a parody of ironies. Because the beauty of life lies in its unpreditability ; amongst imperfection and many other stuff we'd like to convince ourselves beauty consist of. Because i'd never taken maturity as a compliment.

And i hope that i'd wake up tomorrow and find out that ---- in the face of unpredictability ---- everything ive always wanted back to the state it once was : is.

1.I'm childish. childish because i assume too much of myself and extrapolate too little of others. Because i refuse to look at the inevitability of tears ; the necessity of lies ; the value of diplomacy. Because i refuse to admit to that adamance which occurs only in small spoilt brats when they dun get what they want. Because i choose not to grow up ; and end up choosing hurting, simply because i thought i knew whats best for them.

2. I have an insatiable ego. Because im a Leo and thats what Leos do best. Because reassurance is a very comfortable thing. Because i never do dish out compliments myself. Because its one very easy way for strangers to get into my good books, and use. Because its the superb way for frens simply know me too well to reaffirm our frenship ; or to tire them of it, simply because i ask too much.

3. I am demanding. Because i expect everyone to give as much as i do. Because i still cant convince myself that relationships arent measured with a scale. Because i expect the best/most out of everyone around me, everytime. Because im a perfectionists ; and because perfectionists try working towards their ideals, and die trying.

4. I forget that people do lie. Always. Because i believe that the truth is possible. simply.

5. Because while trying to list them all down, u suddenly find out that the list is inexhaustable. Because u realise that self-improvement is a life-long process ---- a tedious task of finding the cracked facets and polishing them. Hairline by hairline ; Bit by bit. Because we very so often get embroiled into the mundane inconvieniences of life, That we forget that Time Creeps. In stealth, and not in speed. Because we say that we're only 17 once only when we're 18 ; and that we're only 18 once merely when we're 19. Because (n+1) doesnt go on forever (sorry, im a mathematician at heart :p). And because we only make New Year Resolutions, once a year. Because i talk too much and mean too little. Because i always forget to be more concise. Because we always forget.

And i truly did forget. Forgotten bout how it all was when i was 18. When i was surrounded with pple so successful and adamant to be even mroe successful that i bitched bout them non-stop. When i was with people whom i would have been so different, without. When i kept saying that im not proud of who i am/with, but knew full well i didnt mean it. (YeSh I DiDnT, okays??) Forgotten now that im in stagnant stagmont (haha)..... which i dun quite want to describe any further.

And as http://re-minisce.blogspot.com had put it so aptly : The best blogs are the blogs that are special to the people who write them. The best blogs are written for the writers, and not the readers. The funniest blogs are written by funny people, who simply are. Not by people who try to be funny to make their readers laugh, and their ratings soar. The best blogs have a subtle scent of sincerity about them. Not the foul reek of sensationalism.

It really doesnt quite matter if no one actually understand what im driving at above. Doesnt matter if they even misunderstand my writings for someone who's un-witty ; un-charming ; un-handsome(haha) and entirely screwed ---- cos i'll let my real life frens judge that. Cause i'll read ths one day and they'll make great sense to me.

I pretty much forgot that i blog because i like to write. That this is *my* blog because they are *my* words. That a blog comprises not of the words dedicated to others ; but the ones the writer dedicates to himself. That it doesnt matter if u sound inept with words ---- only if u try to conceal that.


And right now i hope i sound sleepy cos i truly am.... so i'll leave this as that and try to finish this up someday when im more awake... hopefully. But even if i dun.... it doesnt quite matter. Because not all things in life have an ending. No matter how hard we search for one. sometimes.