Funny how the things ure like : -entirely- afraid of had eventually been bestowed upon you by the very pple u least expected it from. But that doesnt quite change anything, does it? Not in the long run, at least.

And the biggest dilemna of all, is ironically whether to let them continue having faith in me.

'Nuff said. End of subject ; Life goes on. And if ure already wondering if you're the disappointment ; chances are : u arent.

:)

And thus the refusal to let go ; thus the hordes of disappointment that besiege after ; thus the precious frenships lost over the course of a long memorable 20 years ; thus the circles (and nothing but circles) thats oh-so-apparant in this blog.

And the irony of it all is seeing it happening right before my eyes again, with no way to stop it. Akin to watching a tragedy knowing full well from the start that it is a tradegy ; wishing it were me ; wishing it wasnt me ; wishing for some things to not be ; wishing for the very same things that never come with wishes.

Its amazing envisioning the extent of the reaches of self-belief. And then again, maybe that applies to more pple than i think it does. Heh.

I dunno but everytime after days' worth of flurries and frenzy ------- the bit of solace that follows (this time forced upon me by my flu grrr) never fails to remind me of the past ---- the things i did ; the thoughts i shared ; and the ideals that followed.

Especially the ideals.

Some things are rather left unspoken ; cos im tired of saying them anyway. But i'd just hope that one day i'd look back at all this with a pinch of salt ; and not that extra bit of cynicism.

And equally afraid of that very same thing.

Rambles. I dunno whether to count it my blessings or misfortunes when MCs dun even make me happy anymore. HAHAHA.

OK wait. There IS something i wanna blog... but when im more in the mood i guess. Bah never knew MCs can be that boring. grumble grumble.

If u'd ever wanted me to put a finger on why i actually blog ----- it certainly aint that innate bit of voyeurism in me. Nor izzit that extra avenue to get to know more pple, peoplephile though i am indeed. But simply because i like writing --- i really do. Broken grammar, incorrect vocabulary and insistent procrastinations aside : all ive always tried to do was simply to jot my feelings down in words. To talk when no one else is there to do the talking ; to be heard when no one else is there to listen. To construct an archive of words meant for no other audience, but myself.

Not that it turned out any other way either. And thus the many misconceptions that abound from blog reading. You think im unhappy ; you think im discontented. You think im merely potraying a different optimistic side of me irl ; while you think im an adept at maintaining (and hiding) facades. Merely because ive gone round and round in that one little constricted convolutated circle surrounding on that one big haemorragging disappointment. (Heh.)
And yet mebbe : im doing just that, because there really isnt any other disappointments to blog about in my life, after all.

I never do lie. In real life, or blogwise. I may have in the past, but now all i merely do is to leave things unspoken ; and all you have to do, is simply to ask. (But dun take this as a cue to ask for my PIN number, either.) And as it always is with me : the answers come by easy. But the questions dont.

So those who've actually managed to judge me from my blog alone : i implore u to bear in mind the inadequacy of words coming straight from the hands of a mediocrity. And of course, the many other things in life that words do mere injustice to.

And, the many, many other things in life best left to experience or Words left Unspoken ; and nothing less intangible than that.

Simply because theres just so many other things to do ; so many more new things to experience, out there.

Remembered what i once said in JC to someone ------ that every single time we went out as a group : i'd always stay on till even the last scraps of pple dispersed, and even then with that reluctant tinge of disappointment.
It always felt as if i was waiting for something to happen----- and eventually, it didnt. Mebbe i was just expecting too much ; mebbe i was just expecting it from the wrong people ; or mebbe i just didnt know where and how to look for it. But eventually, it still didnt.
And of the ironies : the biggest one was that : i didnt quite knew what it was, either.

Ever heard of the 80/20 rule? That 80% of our work is done in 20% of the time. That 80% of wealth is hoarded by 20% of the population. That 80% of the A's are grabbed by 20% of the students. That 80% of our lives were spent with 20% of our brains functioning.
And that 80% of the things that mattered transpired in 20% of our lives.

So how do we go about spending the rest 80% of it?

There always seemed to be so many more things i wanted to do ; and at the same time so many other things im just waiting to happen. So much more mp3s to download ; so much more anime to (borrow and) watch. So much more pple to get to know betetr ; and so much more frens to make a difference to. Every new day always seemed to be a new chance to accomplish any one of those ; of mebbe the milestones in between ; of mebbe even more. But with each every passing mundane day ---- that chance just seems to be progressively dwindling.

Im afraid. Afraid that someday i'll just wake up and realise that there were some things ive always set out to do, that'll remain unaccomplished forever. Afraid that my biggest regret would be the inability to turn back time ; and not the disappointments that arise even whilst trying your best.

But the ironies of all, is that my biggest fear : is to wake up someday and realise that the things that mattered cease to matter anymore.

so if u cant grow fat but u can grow thin...

if u live for time immemorial some day u'll just grow thin enuff to disappear into thin air?
---

WHAT?
hahhaa
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or better still... thin enuff to squeeze into the little crack in the mens toilet in PS?
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dun think it works tt way!
WHAT?
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JUST WONDERING!
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there is nothing to see in mens toilets anyway!!
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then ure in a LOUSY mens toilet.

ey PLEASE lor... there MORE to see in guys toilet than ladies okays
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yeah?

like what?
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u realise cubicles are there in guys toilet for a reason...?

for goodness sake if WE can pee in toilet bowls (believe me we can) why would we pee out in the open?!?!?!

oh i meant urinals not cubicles haha
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i dunno... cos u guys can?
such a waste of space urinals are

u shd just have cubicles... multipurpose
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thats not true..... its just a little more than an opening in the wall.......

in some sense of it u're like peeing into the wall

gosh that sounds so much like dogs.
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well at least u dun haf to queue up all the time
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yeah.,.. and u get to compare.

OOPS

I didnt say that.
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WHAT???

oh man.....

tt is the stupidest reason for urinals!
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oh FINE ms urinal expert gimme the BEST reason!
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its probably cos using urinals are fast n convinient
u don't haf to open a cubicle door, go in, lock it, make sure its lock, double check tt it's locked

tt wastes a great deal of time

then u don't have to check for a clean cubicle everytime
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HEY thats not true okays

we dun have to double check if doors are locked...?

but we have to glance around CONTINUOUSLY to see if everyone's eyes belong to where they are

u know how much fun that takes out of urinating and how much more stress it gives us?

not to mention how much more misses.

AND!! urinals have different levels of cleaniness too.

the frequent misses explain that.
--

The camp pple, at least.

Which led me to think the actual things done that marks the difference between acquaintences, and ji shi nian de peng you.

And i suddenly remembered. Remembered the a4andyff's and the daily soury faces i made at the things pple did to me (no extraneous connotations, everybody.) Remembered the Xiaokai ate this!!'s and the makeshift harness made out of hemp rope. Remembered how there was a point of time when things seemed less of a chore and even less of a bore. A point of time when *giving up* really wasnt any issue at all and the biggest disagreement we had was simply where to go and eat. Remembered all the things we did as a group, and more.

I missed them, ya know?

And even though backtracking isnt an option ; and glancing back isnt a solution ----- sometimes its really just too hard to move on. Just like that.

And even though we thought we've already forgotten ----- when things touch your heart they'll always leave a mark there. And someday we'll be going about doing our own business when that spark of recognition reminds us of a certain something or someone --- and memories will take over and start to flow from there.
It truly aint easy to forget. And as much as a curse it is, we'd be better off being grateful for that more of a blessing it will prove itself to be. Someday.

You promised yeah? The headcount would never fall below 2, eh? heh heh.

Catch phrase of the Week : Haemorraging Disappointment (did i get the spelling right?? ah heck who cares.)
I dunno but the first time i heard that it immediately got to me. Like how it simply sounded so apt. Like how u can actualy bleed within, sustain grevious wounds and still appear unscathed from without. Like how i can listen to my mp3 list, painstakingly compiled from years' worth of 56k downloading ------ and attach the memories and thoughts that came with every melody ; every tune. Like how i can rememeber the flints of hope that sparked off from some of the songs ; and the bits of disappointment that accompanied the others. And how the hope seemed to eventually dim out, but the rest seemed to live on.

Things always seem to fail to go ur way in reality ------ that is perhaps one of the most painful lessons to be learnt in life. Simply because its so easy to understand, yet quite the opposite when it comes to acceptance. And even harder when u just happen to be one of those with an undeniable stubborn streak. Like me.

How ironic, the way some things so predictably come around to itself, sometimes. How both my biggest regrets in life and the stuff which ive fortunately never managed to let go stemmed from that same stubborn streak in me. How the very sole reason that i can only interact with some of the pple that mean the most to me on merely a cordial, diplomatic basis ----- is that we're both to stubborn to admit to.... everything. To admit to what we truly treasure ; to admit to the disappointments so obviously ingrained in ourselves ; to admit to the simple fact that we may be wrong sometimes.
And how long it took me to realise that fact, simply because im too stubborn to look.

And even the Man Himself who's like : so Anti-change has Changed Himself. heh. Yup i sure did. In many of the subtle far-reaching ways that certainly doesnt affect the way i talk, walk, fart or burp. (Thank goodness.) But i sure did. Like how i would have loved this current life to bits if it had been the me mere 3 years ago. Like how i'd be able to take certain things in stride and shurg them off now. Like how im not entirely sure of what i truly do want now ----- or perhaps i do ; but its just that its not much use holding on to that morsel of info right now. And truly, even through self-appraisal, i dont really quite know if its a process of healing, or haemorrage, quite anymore.

Limbo was never a word i used at whim or will. I did so with a reason. Not solely because this is a period of inanity, but more so because i dun quite know where to go from here, inanity or not, slavery or not. Because ive fine-tuned so much of my own subtleties just to fit in, that i dont quite know where i belong to anymore. Some things have to be let go and some things have to be done. but what is an entirely different question altogether. Like how u find urself stranded right stark in the middle of the desert, and u know that u'll have to get out of there quick. And how u have absolutely no idea which direction to go ; nor how ure going succeed. But how u do know : that u're never gonna get out of this episode, unscathed.

It funny the way we end up with more questions and less answers as we grow older. Funny how we can be in search of certain things for eons, and suddenly realise one day that we're not looking for it anymore. Funny how we can bitch bout a million and one things sometimes, yet remain absolutely muted bout that one thing that affects us the most.

Life is all bout perspectives. So is that actually the optimistic truth of reality, or simply a statement on the power of self-denial?