And so we show it when no one's there for the risk of appraisal ; we talk bout it when no one's there to do the hearing.
And some would prefer to lock it up and throw away the key ; while others would rather put it up under the veil of secrecy and anonimity ; would rather make themselves heard ; heard by everyone, but those that truly matter.

So im gonna say something else.

Ya know if i had a choice at all this blog would prolly not be as wordy as it is right now. Yups if i had the choice i'd be doing the talking in real life to real pple in real words ----- not typing down stuff in a virtual world to an audience : unknown ; unheard ; unseen ; untouched ; uninteractive ; unforseen.

I miss all that ive once said i missed. Yes i do miss the trips ; the bus rides ; the dai dee ; the walking ; the solitude ; the camps ; the classes ; the discussions ; and the inexhaustible millions of other things ive once done and now think back with always that tinge of bittersweetness.
But what i missed the most would invariably ; certainly always be the uninhibitation that seemed to exist only in the past already. The way u could do so many things u wanted to do without regard for repercussions (cos there wasnt any) ; the way u could do so much for others and still remain urself ; the way the value of honesty still seemed to outshine the beauty of the unspoken.

I've said my piece. And yet the thing bout blogs is that no matter how much u say : it wont make a differnece. And i didnt say anything bout real life either. Im just waiting ; waiting for something ; or someone ; to happen and prove to me that im wrong ; that difference isnt the sole prominence right here ; right now. Im waiting ; waiting so long that sometimes i lose track of what im waiting for after all ; so long taht ive forgotten how long it had been ; or when it would end ; how it would end.

And worse still ; sadder even ; when u recognise the fault for what it is ; and know that it'd be urs. Undeniably. in the future.

Mistakes always seemed that much milder when ure the perpetrator ; and things always seemed that *tad* more real when it happens to you.

Sometimes u'd choose to do somthing knowing full well deep down that it aint quite a good idea. That u'd *might* regret it in the future and that if we were a bunch of emotionally-devoid mechanisms then it would certainly have turned out otherwise.
But we arent.
I wouldnt go so far as to say that an alienotary force was behind it or i couldnt help myself ---- i could because evetually i made a choice and my choice is my choice is my choice.

And if you had a choice to live thru a full blown mistake or not live at all ---- what would u choose?

I think that one of the saddest things you learn in life is learning to tweak how much you care, based on how much others care ; or how the environment stipulates it to be.

I know why i care ;
I care because i care because i care because i care.

Guess pple just dun see eye to eye.

Or i just havent decided to grow up yet.

The thing bout me, is that i place too much faith and hope into the future and too much hindsight into the past. Always unhappy with the past ; overly hopeful for the future and entirely nonchalant bout the present.

So hopeful taht i am, in fact, setting the stage for a painful fall. If i ever do fall. Expectations so high taht even *i* know that at least half would go away unfulfilled ; unnoticed. And as i strive every day to bring it all down to earth, it fills up even faster ----- by the subconscious ; by the idealism ; by the stubborn defiance of stagnation that permeates in at least half of the friends i see around me.

And so much into hindsight that i am, in fact, setting myself up for disatisfaction. The way contentment eludes perfectionists simply because nothing on the world is truly perfect. The way i can never accept the fact that a whole good 2 decades of my life has truly gone by ; without even an extra second to salvage ; and yet a whole horde of unfinished business brought over ---- or worse still --- left unfinished forever. Diminishing possibilities as the undeniable fact of an ageing life that i could *always* come to understand, but never come to truly accept.

And so nonchalent bout the present that i actually have nothing to say bout it ---- save for the fact that i dun give it due credit --- if nothing else but for the sole tangibility it can provide out of the three.

And its no surprise either that pple around us keep saying that we're one of the more off batches around. It just sounded so.... us. So like us to feel like going for btc but not going in the end ; so like us to feel for smth and not say anything bout it ; so like us to want something and yet not doing a darned thing bout it at all.

It reminded me of the time i was like entirely pissed with the entire group and sent the email that touched on something like passivity. And how some pple whom i least expected to actually came up to say that they agreed with me. LOL. And i think that : we may actually be one of the more on pple around ---- in our own little unspoken way. And just because we show it in neither actions nor words doesnt make us any lesser beings in the community. We miss odac simply because we know we do. And even though that may not be enuff for others ; its enough for me.

Someone once said that one of my largest headaches would be learning how to re-establish frenships while maintaining old ones and remaking new ones. And i couldnt disagree a bit. I dunno what to say/do to prove to u peeps (whoever *peeps* refer to) that u guys are certainly nothing less than fren --- simply because there isnt enough time for such actions/words to go around for everybody.
And looking back --- i realised : bemusedly ---- how that sounded so much like one of those small little thing i was infernally unhappy about in JC. Lol.

Im trying. I really am. So just gimme a few more chances ya?

And im sure one day we'll go for an odac trip again. movies always seemed that tad bit more surreal compared to the star-studded sky we once shared. we'd walk around with that HUGE bag of ours again ; we'd show concern that my crooked back isnt suited for such a heavy load again. We'd pray for a sunny sky all over agin ; we'd step on mud all over again ; and we'd find leeches in the worst of places all over again. we'd be wondcering halfway thru why we're actually doing all this and then realise what a silly question that was once we're in 10-men tents at night. we'd have base camp managers and food/enetertainment ics all over again and we'd have flash floods and evacuations all over the course of one single day. we'd have power boats that dot the fleet of kayaks and gel bottles that flood the odac room. The days we spent at the odac board laughing joking and doing all sorts of stupid things like paint nipples and keith-pout (hahaha) and show our brilliance thru tic-tac-toe or writting and reading and re-writing CBs and fighting over page 69 much more so than fighting over the last word and bitching bout exams bout tests bout pple bout PTs bout canal runs bout growing fat bout being J1s all over again ------ or just sitting at the odac board doing nothing at all.

"What im most afraid of ---- is that i'd wake up one day and realise that i dun hold on to any thing in the past anymore ----- that ive spent a whole 20 -- 30? --50? -- years of my life doing a whole plethora of things and accomplishing a whole myraid of achievements ------- and find none of them worth remembering. "

That may be the least of worries in my life ; afterall.

A long time since ive bitched in this small little personal space of mine ; a long time since ive complained bout how things really do change and how u can sometimes truly feel like as though everybody's swishing by you while ure just taking ure own time trodding down ur own path at ur own pace and even though sometimes all u wanted to do is to catch up with anybody and everybody else ---- u simply dont.
A long time since ive talked about one of the many true reasons why i dun like RJ or why im just disappointed with the events around me in general even though when everything had eventually sublimed into a mere thing of the past it had, at the very same time, evolved into a very precious piece of poignance.

Im not afraid of things evolving into mere poignance ; not afraid of that bittersweetness of reminiscence ---- and not only because my favourite chocolate is bittersweet choc either. What im most afraid of ---- is that i'd wake up one day and realise that i dun hold on to any thing in the past anymore ----- that ive spent a whole 20 -- 30? --50? -- years of my life doing a whole plethora of things and accomplishing a whole myraid of achievements ------- and find none of them worth remembering.

And of course, because i know that whatever it is i remember --- and treasure --- i'd fight for. For sure.

When i had first started out logging into blogger : i had wanted to shout out loud bout how im not blogging simply because im tired of saying the stuff that matter to me where it truly cant --- cannot --- matter ; bout how its so sad that ive actually lost the last vestiges of the outlet for writing.
I guess words flow when u least expect them to.

*chuckle*. You know the way i am. How i can change my ideas and moods like so frequently in the course of one single day ; and yet remain so impossibly obstinate over the things that i choose to.

Or the things that mean so much to me.

And may nothing ever change that.